Montreal Jokes ... and other good ones
A JOKE ON STREET GANGS?
Officially, you find the Reds and the Blues. Unofficially but really, check out the Canaries. This year, they've hung available sweaters and shorts between pavement and sky, from Beggar & Tramp Place onward leading their luminous trail toward Antennae Place where some of the guys don't seem to understand what they're talking about. To get to wear one of their sweaters, the price is a nasty trick to the other kind. But this is just a joke, for a laugh.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST
BREAKING NEWS - MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN! & Anthropophagi in a Restaurant
Feminazi is a portmanteau of the nouns feminist and Nazi.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaynazi) doesn't exist ?
FEMALE PHOBIA and Male Solidarity : A man in UK blames his domestic violence on the weather : La violence conjugale links to English article.
Winter time in CANADA!
It's winter time in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!!
The old farmer at the movies
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl
asked, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said,
"That is my pet
rooster, Chucky. Where ever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken. So the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn."
Get a Kick outta THIS!
Why do some dog owners love the 4-leggeds? Because it's the only son or daughter they have that only goes gnee-gnee-gnee-gnee when they kik it. And why do dogowners' kids care so much for their 4-leggeds? Cuz they understand them soooooooo well!
Gay Bashing Redefined: Gay men bashing women so to get their guys. Gay men excruciating men by crushing their girlfriend. They're easier when they're brain-dead and heart-broken.
Newfies from Outerspace
Dick Head and Air Head are just back from the ice-barrier. Dick says to Air, what do you do for fun? -I put red potatoes in my sweater. You? -I put Newfoundland potatoes in the back of my pants and pretend I'm moonwalking.
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not tell the difference.
The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM QUEBEC WHEN:
1. "Vacation" means going to Quebec City for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You use a down comforter in the summer.
6. Your parents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
8. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
10. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,and construction.
11. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Quebec
FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?
AUTHOR UNKNOWN or is it KNOTKNOWN?
An Odd Funeral Service
A woman was leaving a Depanneur with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The Widow replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The Widow replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." The woman inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The widow answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her," A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. Finally, the woman asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The widow replied, "Get in line."
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50 degrees Fahrenheit
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 degrees Fahrenheit
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians sun bathe.
35 degrees Fahrenheit
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 degrees Fahrenheit
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 degrees Fahrenheit
New York landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 degrees Fahrenheit
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 degrees Fahrenheit
Mt St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 degrees Fahrenheit
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173 degrees Fahrenheit
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460 degrees Fahrenheit
All atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold eh?"
-500 degrees Fahrenheit
Hell freezes over.
The Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup.
A couple, both of them 60 years old, were celebrating their
35th wedding anniversary and were given a beautiful brass lamp. When the wife
rubbed it to polish it, a genie popped out and offered to grant each of them
their fondest wish. The wife opted for an all-expense paid trip for two around
the world. And poof! Suddenly, she was holding the tickets in her hand.
The husband whispered in the genie's ear: "I want a wife 30 years younger than me." And poof! Suddenly, he was 90 years old.
Getting Elderly in Florida
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Montreal
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Toronto
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: Ottawa
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun on lap: Los Angeles
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Saskatoon, but driving in Toronto
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: Quebec City
8. One hand on 12 oz. low fat, no foam, sugar free vanilla latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Vancouver
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonalds bag out the window: Red Deer
10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: Prince George
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 40 km on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: Victoria
12. One hand holding beer can, one hand holding cigarette, driving with knees 130 km/hr at the top curve of a Rocky Mountain pass on a snowy winter day: Vernon
Life As A Female Bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could do that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your babies. If your babies get out of line, you swat them too.
If you're a female bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Special Announcement by the Government:
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
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